written by: John and Benz Rana
If it's your first time attending a wedding, what follows is a simple guide of Dos & Don'ts to get through such a social event. Note that we made these questions up so allow us to be sarcastic and blunt with some of our responses to ourselves.
Questions & Answers
Q. I got an invite but have no plans of attending; should I still send a gift?
A. First thing's first. If you won't be able to attend for whatever reason, please RSVP. A big chunk of the wedding budget goes to the reception and it will be utterly inconsiderate to just give up a reserved seat without letting the couple know. Give them the chance to assign that seat to another guest in their "waitlist." Having that out of the way, let's get to your question: YES, it is customary to still send a gift.
Q. The envelope bears only my name. May I ask if I can bring a date?
A. Don't bring a date unless your invitation specifically says "and Guest." Bringing unexpected guests is very impolite. Neither should you ask the couple's permission if you may bring one or not. Don't put your friends on the spot. We Filipinos don't really like turning down people. So how would you know if their "Yes" means yes or not? Spare them that trouble.
Q. The invite says "Mr. & Mrs." Could we bring our kids?
A. Never bring the kids unless "& Family" is indicated. Soon-to-weds don't usually invite children for a good reason. Kids get bored or cranky during hour-long masses. Their tantrums might disrupt the solemnity of the ceremony. Weddings are usually formal events typically not appropriate for the little ones. To be blunt about it, inviting a child at the reception means added two mouths to feed - the kid's and the yaya's.
Follow-up Q. But my son/daughter is the bearer/flower girl. I'm sure it's understood that my other child is invited. A. Which part of the answer above didn't you understand? Seriously, if the couple wanted to invite your other kid, they would have specified that on the envelope.
2nd follow-up Q. But I'm breastfeeding, I'm sure my friends will understand, won't they?
A. Granting that it's an infant and he or she won't eat at the reception - let's even assume that your baby won't wail at the church - the answer is still NO! Not even if you've perfected the art of being a cow in a long gown. Four words: Breast Pump and Babysitter!
Q. I don't have a clue what gift to give them. Any ideas?
A. The average Pinoy soon-to-wed would always prefer monetary gifts more than any other gift. It is the unspoken fact. We're telling you now to make it easier for them to let you know what they REALLY want; unless they indicated that already in their invites.
If you're not comfortable giving cash, you may ask the couple where they are registered (Gift / Bridal Registry) and choose from what's listed under their names in the store. You can also ask them where they're residing after the wedding and take the cue from there. If you know that they'll be migrating abroad or living with their parents for the time being, a ref or another oven toaster may not be the most practical and logical gift.
Q. I'm convinced. So how much cash should I give them? I don't want to give too little or too much.
A. That's a hard thing to answer. It's really a case-to-case thing. Try to put yourself in the couple's shoes. How much should a guest of your stature give you without being branded a cheapskate? Also consider your relationship with the couple. If you're good friends of the couple's parents, you'll probably shell-out more than if you were simply the bride's Girl Friday.
Q. Could I skip the ceremony and head straight to the reception?
A. You can. BUT you shouldn't! You are invited to THE wedding -- that's the part where they exchange their "I dos." The reception is where the Receiving Line is. You can't be 'received' if you are already seated in the hall, right? "Patay-gutom" is too harsh a word and we assure you that it's by no means what anyone would think if indeed you decide to go straight to the reception. But admit that it struck a nerve just mentioning the word in that context, isn't it?
Q. Speaking of the Receiving Line, what should be the proper greeting?
A. Here's the rule: Say "Congratulations" to the groom and "Best Wishes" to the bride. The reason behind is that "congrats" implies that someone has caught something or won a prize, and it is rather improper to imply that the bride "caught" the man who married her. If this rule gets mixed-up in your head come wedding day, just say the two phrases together and look at both of them. That usually works!
Likewise, saying "Good Luck!" no matter how pure your wishes are will also sound very inappropriate for obvious reasons.
Q. Nice try, but what if the couple makes a Grand Entrance and left the Receiving Line to their parents? What then should I tell them? Note that I don't even know which sets of parents are whose.
A. Didn't we tell you already not to skip the ceremony? The bride and groom usually walk alongside their respective parents at the very start!
Anyway, make your pleasantries short and sweet. Shake their hands and say "Hello! I'm (your name) and I went to school with (name of bride/groom) in (school's name)/an officemate of (name of bride/groom) at (name of company)." They usually respond with "Nice meeting you." Just smile, nod politely, and move on to the next person. If one replies "Hi! I've heard so much about you!", simply smile and nod just the same. No lengthy conversation; just make small talk at most. If you can't find the words to say, just smile again, nod politely, and move.
Q. During the banquet, is there anything I need to know?
A. Nowadays, the Reception Program usually have the guests on each table stand up and have their picture taken with the couple before being led to the buffet. This is done to resolve two issues of past weddings: (a) for the couple's convenience and skip the tiring Table-Hopping ritual just to have their picture taken with all their guests; and (b) for the guests' convenience so they won't have to wait very long for their turn in the buffet line.
Keep in mind that Buffet is NOT synonymous with "Eat-All-You-Can." Do not pile your plate full. Be courteous of those who have yet to be served. Don't worry. You can easily go for seconds.
Q. I'm used to a Buffet setting, but what if it's a formal Sit-Down Dinner? Which fork do I start with again?
A. You're on your own, pal. Watch "Pretty Woman" again and see how Julia Roberts nailed it!
How to be a Great Wedding Guest
by Rachel-Michelle Custodio
Being a guest at a wedding, we usually think that it’s just as simple as getting dressed up, shedding a tear or two and then partying all night long. But just like the entourage and the wedding vendors, being a guest have responsibilities too. To ensure that you do not be mistaken as a “sakit ng ulo” or “pa-diva,” below are just some simple rules to follow:
1. When you get an invite, don’t let it get lost in the coffee table. Please RSVP promptly. The bulk of the budget for any wedding is allotted to the Reception. Thus, it’s important for the couple to know who’s coming so they can give their caterer a final headcount no later than two to three weeks prior to the wedding date. Ultimately, whether you can’t decide or plainly not going, it is crucial to inform the couple of your decision. Don’t add to their stress by procrastinating.
2. If you all-of-the-sudden can’t make it. Please do let the host know of your cancellation. You wouldn’t know how crucial this information is for someone who, dissimilar to you, all-of-the-sudden changed their minds from “not going” to “going”.
3. It is a well-known fact that there are guest who arrive even if they have made a “Not going” RSVP. Please do inform the host if you changed your mind and all the sudden wanted to be there in the couple’s big day. Even if the couple wanted you to celebrate with them, it is still important to note that you might not have been included in the guest list so there might have been no seats available for you, hence, no food for you.
4. Don’t bring a date and/or take your children and/or other family members with you that were not in the invitation. Nowadays, most invitations refer to a number of seats allotted for you. So if the invite only says, for example, your name plus guest and it allots 3 seats for you, it only means that you can bring yourself plus two other people. (I would presume that the couple knows them or would love to meet and have them as part of their guest.)
5. It is expected of you to wear the attire written in the invitation. For men, if it says “suit or barong for men” then you are expected not to wear khaki pants and collared polo. For women, if the invitations specifically say “gown for women” then you’re expected not to wear a colored striped haltered top chiffon knee length dress. Dress as you would for any other social event held at the hour and during the season of the wedding. Black used to be taboo for weddings, but these days a black dress is perfect for evening, just as it is for a night at the opera. Female guests should not wear white -- it's really, really not polite to take away from the bride on her special day by wearing her color. Try to avoid off-white and ivory, too, if at all possible. It's not as if you don't own or can't buy something another color, right?
6. Avoid being late, if possible, be 30 minutes earlier. So if the wedding invitation says that the ceremony begins at 2:00pm, be sure to arrive there by 1:30pm so as to give yourself time to find a seat and get settled. This is not an event to be fashionably late so if you do get there after it's begun, seat yourself quietly in the back. If the procession is going on, wait until the bride reaches the altar to enter the sanctuary and find a seat.
7. You are not expected to participate in any religious rituals (for example, if you are a protestant attending a Catholic wedding, you are not to receive the communion). Most congregations have parts where you are asked to sit or stand and even kneel. The program or the lector/commentator will tell you when to do so and it is polite to just follow the ritual. It may also help to follow the lead of the people around you or the family of the couple in front of you.
8. Avoid taking photographs during the ceremony, that’s what the photographers and videographers are for. Leave this to the professionals and just respect the sanctity of the ritual in front of you. I know it would be nice to have your own copy of how your son or daughter wore his/her suit/gown and walked down the aisle. Or how beautiful you and your partner are all dressed up. But do not worry, the couple already have too many photographs of your child or you and your partner to forget to give them all to you. :)
9. As for the reception, cocktail hour is an opportunity for the guest to mingle and get to know the other guests and family. It is also the best time to check to see if there's a seating chart and sit where you're supposed to. Don’t just park it anywhere. You’ll know when it’s officially time to be seated for the program and meal.
10. As for the bouquet throw and garter toss, if you’re not crazy about these traditions, don’t just avoid them by hiding out in the bathroom. If you're not one of those who's going to dive for the bouquet or garter, just go out there and stand in the back -- and smile. Even if you think these traditions are silly, or that something else about the wedding is tacky or inappropriate -- keep your feelings to yourself. Maybe this isn't how you'd do it, but it is how the bride and groom chose to do it, and (as much as we'll all like to sometimes) it's not your place to complain.
11. While a wedding is a time to enjoy yourself, no one appreciates a drunk guest embarrassing themselves. Drink alcohol in moderation.
12. When can you leave? Receptions usually last about three to four hours, and you'll know when things start winding down. Many brides and grooms stay until the bitter end these days, so it's hard to leave after them. When you decide to leave, find a member of the bride's immediate family (like her mom) and thank them. Also attempt to give the couple a last hug before you depart.
Above all these, it is still important to enjoy the celebration and express your gladness for the couple. Don’t forget to express how much you are honored and truly appreciative of having invited you.
Wedding Guest Etiquette for Dress
By Theresa Meeker, eHow Contributor
Wedding guests have etiquette for their dress to avoid someone's outfit taking away from the bride and groom being the center of the party. Dressing appropriately demonstrates a sign of respect to the bride, groom and the hosts. Guests can evaluate whether their clothes should be formal, informal or semi-formal by the type of wedding it is. Fancier events call for fancier clothes.
Wearing White
The only person wearing white to the wedding should the bride. The tradition started with the advent of the white wedding gown in the 1800s. Although men can wear white shirts, women should avoid white dresses, shirts and skirts. People who break tradition should make sure not to upset the bride. If a woman finds a white outfit she likes, she should decide whether guests who do not know the bride will think she is the bride.
Wearing Black
Traditionally, only men wore black to weddings because many chose black suits. Black clothing for women was saved for funeral attire. Most people today do not assume that black is only funeral attire. Black cocktail dresses are significantly popular for semiformal weddings. Many brides choose black bridesmaids dresses so they can wear them again. If women are uncomfortable wearing black, they can add decorative, colorful details. Bright scarves and colorful belts can add pizzazz to a drab outfit.
This was posted by a W@Wie.
1. Thou shall wear your dress with pride.. even if you hate it.
2. Thou shall be pro-active.
3. Thou shall be the best sounding board.
4. Thou shall be her voice of reason
5. Thou shall take her jitters seriously
6. Thou shall throw a brilliant hen party
7. Thou shall be nice to the guy the bride is trying to pair you up with.
8. Thou shall be the coordinator's pet.
9. Thou shall keep your speech short and sweet.
10. Thou shall have a blast!
Traditionally, wedding expenses are paid for by the groom's family in the Philippine setting, unlike in some western cultures. But more and more couples are giving their share from their hard-earned savings. Other couples even shoulder the entire wedding expenses themselves. It normally follows that whoever foots the bill has the final say on the size of the wedding; he or she also has the 'majority stake' on guest list.
It was a tradition for the bride to hold an heirloom rosary with the bridal bouquet during the Nuptial Mass. This practice is now being revived by some brides to honor our Catholic heritage and respect the solemn occasion.
Instead of a bouquet toss, some Filipina brides opt to offer the flowers to a favorite Saint or to the image of Virgin Mary at the church. Some even go out of their way to offer the bouquet at the grave of a lost loved one.
Using rice grains as confetti are discouraged in most churches in keeping with the austere times.
Some Catholic churches don't allow Sunday weddings.
A Catholic Filipino wedding ceremony is held with a full Mass that runs about a hour.
Aside from the exchange of rings, the giving of the arrhae (earnest money in the form of 13 pieces of gold or silver coins) is a part of Filipino weddings as the groom's pledge of his dedication to the welfare of his wife and children (read more about arrhae/wedding coins).
The arrhae/arras is carried by a coin bearer who marches with the ring bearer during the processional and recessional.
If the couple intends to write their own wedding vows instead of reading the standard vows provided by the church, they should inform the officiating priest and ask for his approval.
Most Filipino brides prefer a custom-made wedding gown than having it ready-made or buying off-the-rack.
The most popular month for weddings in the Philippines is December (until early January) rather than June.
UPDATE: On August 2006, the National Statistics Office announce that for four consecutive years, MAY, the month of flowers and fiestas, was consistently the peak month for getting married here in the country.
Filipino bridegrooms also walk down the aisle, either alone or with his parents.
The proximity of the ceremony and reception venues is a major consideration for guests' convenience, taking into account the Manila traffic and parking concerns.
Traditionally, wedding invitations have an insert/page that includes all the names and roles of each member of the the bridal party.
Reception cards are not so popular in the Philippines since it is usually expected that a wedding invitation covers both the ceremony and the reception.
Aside from the bridesmaids and groomsmen, three additional pairs of wedding attendants stand as secondary sponsors who assist in the [a] wedding candle, [b] veil and [c] cord ceremonies held during the Nuptial Mass.
[a] The candle sponsors light the wedding candles located at each side of couple. The flame from the candles symbolizes God's presence within the union. The lighting of a unity candle (of Protestant origin) is sometimes integrated as a variation.
[b] Next, the veil sponsors drape and pin the veil (a long white tulle) on the groom's shoulder and over the bride's head. This symbolizes the union of two people 'clothed' as one.
[c] Finally, the cord sponsors stand up with the cord (a silken rope, a string of flowers or links of coins) in the form of a figure-eight, placing each loop loosely around the neck/shoulder area of the couple. This symbolizes the infinite bond of marriage.
The veil and cord ceremonies have the marrying couple 'tied-up' together while kneeling for almost half the time during the nuptial Mass (it isn't as hard as it sounds, really).
Soon-to-weds do not arrive at the ceremony venue at the same time. The groom is expected to arrive several minutes (an hour even!) prior to the set time of the wedding to receive guests. The bride on the other hand, usually stays in the bridal car and only alights from the vehicle just in time for her bridal march.
As part of the ceremonial dance at the reception, some couples incorporate a 'money dance' where guests pin peso (or dollar!) bills on either the bride or groom in return for a chance to dance with them.
Newlyweds release a pair of white doves during the reception to signify a peaceful and harmonious marital relationship. Catchers find themselves going home with a new feathered pet.
Don’t Be the Wedding Pest
by Charlene Fernandez from Manila Bulletin Online
Manners are one of the things we take for granted, but which we notice the absence of. Consider this: do you think "Do unto others as you want others to do unto you" is limited to the concept of sin? If so then manners represent an area where we sin against each other on a daily basis, and when the sin is committed at someone else’s wedding, it’s hard to make penance. A lack of basic manners shows a lack of moral fiber, because you can’t be bothered to behave well towards others. Worse, if you don’t know that you are offending others, then you’re committing the worst sin of all: ignorance. (Are you hearing your lola now? Good!)
And now that that lecture is out of the way, let’s fight ignorance by discussing what are the worst social sins you can commit at a wedding.
• When you receive the invitation, immediately RSVP (if you don’t know what RSVP is, it comes from a French term, "respondez s’il vous plait", which roughly translates into "Please respond to let us know whether you will attend"). Donna Pilato of About.com explains, "If R.S.V.P. is written on an invitation it means the invited guest must tell the host whether or not they plan to attend the party. It does not mean to respond only if you’re coming, and it does not mean respond only if you’re not coming (the expression "regrets only" is reserved for that instance). It means the host needs a definite head count for the planned event, and needs it by the date specified on the invitation."
Pinoys are notorious for not RSVPing, and when they travel or migrate to other parts of the world, are confused when foreign hosts are infuriated by them showing up without RSVPing. Wedding guests should never assume they’re so important that: a) their attendance can be taken for granted, or b) they can ignore the invitation and show up if and when they feel like it. Couples have enough stress planning for weddings; guests shouldn’t contribute to this stress by not RSVPing, thus causing the couple to agonize over whether to count you in or not. Think of it this way: RSVPing is a small gift to a couple, because it helps them with their preparations. Since it’s their special day, don’t they deserve more consideration than you, the guest?
• When you RSVP, pay attention to whom the invitation is addressed—whether it’s for you (and no one else), to you and your partner, or to you, your partner and your children. Make sure about this! Pinoys have the appalling habit of thinking that if one person in a family is invited, everyone is. Perhaps that’s true in the countryside (where big weddings are de rigueur), but never assume that of any couple, especially in Manila. If a guest brings everyone in his or her family to a wedding, what happens to the couple’s budget? Just because guests give the couple a present doesn’t mean they have the right to make the couple "pay" for it by bringing a truckload of relatives and friends with them. What this behavior says to the couple is that the guest doesn’t care about their feelings…so they shouldn’t be surprised when they’re never invited again to the couple’s succeeding events.
• Dress appropriately. If the couple invites you to a theme wedding and you don’t want to appear in costume, either turn the invitation down gently or explain your objections before you show up at their medieval-inspired wedding dressed in a casual outfit. Also, a wedding is not a place to show skin. No guest has the right to upstage the bride (enough said), and if a guest can’t understand the reason for this, then perhaps s/he should never be invited to weddings.
• If you’re allowed to bring your kids to the wedding and they aren’t part of the bridal entourage, keep them under control! A wedding is a celebration of a new life together, not of your children. Too many Pinoys think that having children entitles them to free babysitting services from all and sundry. People who expect other guests to take care of their children are boors; what gives them the right to assume that everyone will be delighted to take care of their misbehaving offspring? This is especially crucial in the church; if a guest loves God, then s/he will not allow their kids to ruin the solemnity of the ritual with their antics. Misbehaving children should be taken out of the church immediately, or left at home altogether.
• Don’t stage your own dramatic scene at the wedding or the reception, even if you see your ex (in the arms of the person who stole her or him away from you) or people you detest (enough to start World War III with). If you don’t know why you shouldn’t do this, then you don’t deserve your invitation!
• The worst thing a guest can do is to skip the ceremony and beat the couple to the reception area! This action tells them, "I don’t really care about you; I’m here for the food." In addition to being insufferably rude, the ceremony is the most important part of the wedding so if a guest really cares about the couple, why miss it?
• A reception is not a place to sell life insurance policies, make-up, or anything else. Regardless of what some disreputable marketing agencies tell you, a wedding is not composed of many sale prospects; it’s made up of people who have the right not to be molested by sales talk at a beautiful celebration. Don’t put the couple on the spot either by asking them if you can leave company brochures at the reception tables. Wedding suppliers are discreet about this, and you should be, too.
• If the reception includes speeches, please don’t talk to your seatmates or on your cell phone while a speech is in progress. Boring or maudlin as they may sometimes be, these speeches mean a lot to the couple, and the least you can do is to listen.
• If you’re invited to the bouquet or garter toss, just stand up and go where the couple asks you to go. Just indulge the couple, and try not to hurt anyone else standing near you when jockeying for the bouquet. Don’t be the type of female guest who wastes the couple’s time by acting cute and pretending not to want the bouquet (then elbowing everyone out of the way when the flowers are tossed).
• If the reception features a buffet, don’t pile your plate then leave behind what you don’t like. Take only a little at a time; there’s no need to hoard food as you can always come back for more. If it’s a sit-down meal, don’t badger the waiters for extra servings. The reception isn’t about your stomach, so wait a bit then stop by a fast food shop on the way home.
• Speaking of receptions, unless the couple invites you to do so, do NOT ask for "take home" food, even if there are a lot of leftovers. You’re the guest, sure, but it’s the couple that matters most on this day. Tired of hearing me say that? That’s because it’s true, so get over yourself and show some consideration!
• When you leave the reception (especially if you have to leave early), be sure to personally thank the couple before leaving. Ninety percent of all guests forget this little token of good manners, and yet it’s the gesture couples appreciate the most.
• And the tackiest thing to avoid? No matter how horrible the celebration turned out for you, you have no right to badmouth the wedding. Shut up! The couple will probably already be upset about the bad food or the leaky venue; don’t add to their misery by e-mailing everyone on your list about what cheap hosts they were. Lola always said, "If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!" And this certainly applies to a wedding.